REAL CHRISTIANS NEVER APOLOGIZE
Have I gotten your attention? I actually had one of my best mentors tell me that I should avoid saying “I’m sorry” to anyone. Why would he say that? For starters, where in Scripture are we instructed to apologize? I could go so far as to say, “Apologies are not biblical.” How could this be, isn’t that what good people do? Now I am not saying all apologies are bad, however, I find many, if not most, are insincere and incomplete. I can tell you most of mine are. How many times have we said, “I sorry” with a nasty tone, with no contrition? Or consider all the times we have said, “I am sorry, but if…” Often with an apology, we are saying, “Can we just drop it and pretend nothing happen?” In situations like this, there is generally no requirement to acknowledge the hurt we have done to the offended party. So what should we do when we offend someone or someone is upset with us?
Before I answer that, there is one thing we need to keep in mind: Scripture states that anytime we are aware of someone that has something against us, i.e. has a complaint against us, we are responsible to initiate the reconciliation. The Bible instructs us to pursue peace[1] and to do all we can, “as much as it depends on you,” to live at peace with those we have offended.[2] Jesus essentially says in Matthew 5:23-24, “Even if you are sitting in church and you realize someone has something against you, leave and do what you can to be reconciled with them.”[3]
In the Bible, the primary means to seek reconciliation is through asking for forgiveness[4], not by apologizing. So what is the difference? Think about it: can you say, “Will you forgive me” with a nasty tone? It is almost impossible because forgiveness requires humility and contrition.[5] Forgiveness is more complete because it requires you to say, “Will you forgive me for…” It requires you to admit and clarify the offense or the wrong committed. Forgiveness is the pathway to biblical reconciliation.
I can tell you, as my wife and I became more adept at removing apologies of any form from our vocabulary, and we started asking for forgiveness from each other and the spouse in turn forgiving in kind, our relationship struggles and periods of “intense fellowship” tended to become less volatile; the period of time our relationship was impaired didn’t last very long. I would encourage you to try it.
[1] Psalm 34:14; Romans 14:19; 2 Timothy 2:22; 1 Peter 3:11.
[2] Romans 12:18. "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
[3] Matthew 5:23-24. “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”
[4] Matthew 6:14-15; 18:21-33; Luke 6:37; Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13.
[5] Psalm 51:17. “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”
Before I answer that, there is one thing we need to keep in mind: Scripture states that anytime we are aware of someone that has something against us, i.e. has a complaint against us, we are responsible to initiate the reconciliation. The Bible instructs us to pursue peace[1] and to do all we can, “as much as it depends on you,” to live at peace with those we have offended.[2] Jesus essentially says in Matthew 5:23-24, “Even if you are sitting in church and you realize someone has something against you, leave and do what you can to be reconciled with them.”[3]
In the Bible, the primary means to seek reconciliation is through asking for forgiveness[4], not by apologizing. So what is the difference? Think about it: can you say, “Will you forgive me” with a nasty tone? It is almost impossible because forgiveness requires humility and contrition.[5] Forgiveness is more complete because it requires you to say, “Will you forgive me for…” It requires you to admit and clarify the offense or the wrong committed. Forgiveness is the pathway to biblical reconciliation.
I can tell you, as my wife and I became more adept at removing apologies of any form from our vocabulary, and we started asking for forgiveness from each other and the spouse in turn forgiving in kind, our relationship struggles and periods of “intense fellowship” tended to become less volatile; the period of time our relationship was impaired didn’t last very long. I would encourage you to try it.
[1] Psalm 34:14; Romans 14:19; 2 Timothy 2:22; 1 Peter 3:11.
[2] Romans 12:18. "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
[3] Matthew 5:23-24. “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”
[4] Matthew 6:14-15; 18:21-33; Luke 6:37; Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13.
[5] Psalm 51:17. “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”
by Michael Burner
Posted in Marriage
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8 Comments
An apology or asking someone for forgiveness is only acceptable to God when the offenders heart is remorseful and when the offender is willing to correct his error, if possible.
Wow, this is what you get from only looking at the Bible literally...immaturity! Saying sorry does a lot for reconciliation, but you've only used its examples in terms of it being said badly or insincerely. When said properly, with proper intentions it can be a wall smasher. It is also socially acceptable as the first part of reconciliation and forgiveness. It says many things, because there are many colours to the word sorry. It also shows maturity or ego. The less a person can say sorry ( and more excuses for doing that), the more egotistical that person is, or the less self esteem they have. The more appropriately a person can apologise, the more maturity and humility they show. What you're saying about forgiveness is good, but without sorry, its teaching to just follow a principle or command for its own sake and that doesn't allow for any sincerity, or the ability to be humble. Sorry may not be in the Bible, but neither are cars, but we still use them!
Mr. Coats ,
Well said . Even the best churches out there still want their “flock “ to turn off The News of 2023 and keep their heads in the news of 23.
An abomination to the one who gifted us w a ….BRAIN
Well said.
How should an individual Christian apologize ?
Hooookay
There’s no doubt Christianity after Constantine has a lot to apologize for: crusades , inquisition , looking from the third Reich ; non biblical crazy rituals like faith healing, exorcism , praying to saints, protecting pervert priests , encouraging nixon to extend the Vietnam war , promoting the non biblical absurdity that the creator created an eternal burning pit for his creation .
Taking accountability is important and l pray that l am given the chance to ask those who l have hurt in my life time for forgiveness. Because that's when healing begins for not just yourself but also for the other person or persons. Any person will know if you are sincere and also God knows the heart.
How many friendships, family members and marriages will be broken by our offensive words and actions. If you know you have offended, especially in the 3 area groups I have shown, saying sorry strengthens these relationships and not tears them apart. Sorry for some people is the hardest word to say in the English dictionary and humility is the key. Sadly many churches don’t preach on this topic and sadly this is why many people leave the church. However it is important to preach forgiveness. There should be a balance between to two.
The whole point of an "apology" or saying "I am sorry" is in of itself an attempt to start an amends for the action or actions that has been perceived as a transgression. I am a Christian and I apologize everyday for weakness and humbly ask God for forgiveness. I do the same for any of my brother's or sister's in this world, because God has instructed me to make amends for my transgressions. The whole notion of saying I'm sorry is not Christian is rediculoius and merely creating more confusions in already confusing world. Now as for the intent behind the apology is different. A person may say "I'm sorry" and not really mean it, but as a Christian it is up to us to forgive even when the intent was never really there. After all is that not one of the doctorines of our faith, Forgiveness. Did Jesus not die for all of our sins. We all must be weary of becoming what God chosen people became and thus the need for Jesus' sacrifice. Remember his words to the Pharisees, and I'm paraphrasing so I apologize if my remarks on dead on, but the intent is the same, "Oh, Ye Pharisees, you hypocrites, though Gods words run across your lips, you enforce the doctorines of men". The problem with humanity is we have always been quick to the whip, but lack the compassion to forgive. Jesus told us all that love is in 1 Corinthians chapter 13 verse 1-13. The perfect ideal of love, and yet we keep forgetting that we are to strive for that perfect ideal, even in the knowledge of knowing we most likely will fail. Stop looking for reasons to draw your whip and begin looking for reasons to show compassion and mercy. Stop letting the Devil draw our hearts to hate & let God bring us to forgiveness to even the most wicked of sinners. Fight the need for revenge for transgressions to you or others because God has told us Vengeance is "His" and his alone, so says the Lord. This bickering over trivial matters is what Jesus sought to stop. He wanted to live by Gods law, Yes, but to do so with a righteous intent. We must learn from the lessons of our forefathers and be sure to not make the same mistakes. I always tell people to read Gods scriptures with love in your heart, because the Devil looks for every opportunity to sway us to do evil. What greater evil could there be than to use God's word to enforce the evil of men's hearts. Forgive, seek forgiveness by any words or actions necessary, and love with your whole heart, even those that do not deserve it, because it is not our place to say they don't. Judge not lest Ye be judged. Love to you all my Brother's and Sister's and may we all find some measure of peace in these very troubling times.